


Stolen

by total_theatre_nerd



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 21:05:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15033296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/total_theatre_nerd/pseuds/total_theatre_nerd
Summary: He lived for these moments. These moments of pure and utter bliss. Of happiness. But he knew that no matter how wonderful and fulfilling they were they were all just moments. Stolen minutes whenever they could manage. And Adil couldn’t help but wish they could have more. He knew it was foolish, and that wishing would only lead to heartbreak down the road. Because they could never be anything more than this.I missed writing and had some free time so have some angst!





	Stolen

The darkness crept in without either of them noticing. They were so lost in each other that Adil hadn’t even realised that night had fallen. He was lying on his side facing the open window, watching the curtain billowing in the breeze. Toby was pressed against his back with his arms wrapped around his waist, their legs intertwined. Adil could feel Toby’s steady breath on the back of his neck and he smiled as he softly stroked his thumb over Toby’s hand. He lived for these moments. These moments of pure and utter bliss. Of happiness. But he knew that no matter how wonderful and fulfilling they were they were all just moments. Stolen minutes whenever they could manage. And Adil couldn’t help but wish they could have more. He knew it was foolish, and that wishing would only lead to heartbreak down the road. Because they could never be anything more than this.

Yes, they loved each other. But what did love matter in this terrible and judgemental world? He wished they could be normal. That they could go out for dinner or even just walk down the street. Even without the implications of their relationship there was the difference in class, the difference in race. There was so much acting against them. And yet… Adil couldn’t imagine his life without Toby in it. Their stolen smiles and stolen kisses and stolen moments. The way Toby’s light just poured out of him, the kindness and tenderness that radiated. Adil had never felt happiness like this before. He didn’t know if he ever would after. Because there would be an after. He didn’t know much for certain, but he knew that. There was no way that they were going to be long term. But Adil had accepted that almost from the beginning. He didn’t like it, God he _hated_ it, but there was no other ending, not for him.

It had taken him a long time to come to terms with himself and who he was. But when he did he knew he would have to live in the moment. And then the war broke out, and there was so much more uncertainty in everything. Nothing was guaranteed - not his job or his life or his relationship with Toby. But sometimes when it was late at night like this, and Adil was enveloped by Toby and they had spent the night worshipping each other, he would let his mind wander. Even though he knew it would only hurt him more eventually, even though he knew that it was going to make it infinitely harder when this ended, he couldn’t help it. Because Toby was his happiness.

Adil was awake when the sun broke through and morning dawned and Toby woke with a groan and shuffled closer.

“Good morning Toby,” he said quietly as he twisted around in the embrace, moving so they were face to face. He placed a kiss on Toby’s forehead, lingering for a few seconds. When he pulled back Toby’s eyes had fluttered open and he was staring at him with that big smile and a look so full of love that Adil felt his heart soar.

“Morning,” he mumbled sleepily, reaching up to run a hand lazily through his hair with a yawn before leaning forward and capturing Adil’s lips with his own.

They kissed lazily for a while but when they started to hear bustling outside the door – the tell-tale sign that housekeeping were doing their rounds – they decided that they had better get out of bed. Adil had used to worry about leaving Toby’s room, about someone seeing and getting caught. But he realised soon enough that nobody thought it was strange if he was in the hotel, even if he was nowhere near the bar, even if it was his day off. He was good at concealing his real reasons, he had to be – it was a necessity for men like him. Concealing your feelings and spinning your actions into a different, more believable, story. Because no one ever wanted to believe that someone they knew was like that. It was astonishing to Adil how many things he could slip past people simple because they were looking for a reasonable explanation. There had been a few close calls, but as long as he pressed his ear to the door and listened for silence, and pulled the door open a sliver so he could quickly glance to either end of the corridor, he found that it wasn’t difficult at all.

They dressed quickly, sending smiles to each other across the room before averting their gaze as their cheeks started to heat up. It was as if it was the first time again and they couldn’t help but glance at each other every few seconds to confirm that it was real. That this beautiful, wonderful man was standing there across the room.

Adil had never dated, he had never wanted to. All his previous encounters had been passionate meetings that were no more than fumbling under the cover of darkness, a way to just let go. But there had never been love before. Never had he known the other man almost as much as he knew himself. Toby was different in many respects. And Adil knew he was Toby’s first everything, but Toby was also a first for Adil. He was the first that had cared about him, the first that had whispered declarations of love, the first to invite him to stay, the first to embrace him through the night.

It was always torture to leave. No matter how much time they had spent together. Adil could have a lifetime with Toby and it wouldn’t be enough. It would never be enough. This part of his life, these stolen scenes of bliss that felt like they belonged to someone else would never be enough. Adil turned to look at Toby who was standing in front of the window, immersed in the early morning sunlight and glowing with a smile on his face that Adil knew only he got to see. Toby was floundering with his tie and Adil took the few steps across the room to be in front of him. He gently took hold of Toby’s hands and moved them to his side, before reaching up and tying the tie with his own. It reminded him of that kiss – the first time Toby had kissed him. He had been so terrified that day, his heart beat erratic in his chest and his palms sweaty, not knowing whether he was going to be fired or imprisoned. He had never thought that Toby would do what he did, and he felt tears well up in his eyes as he thought about how different this could have all turned out.

“What’s wrong?” Toby asked, reaching one hand up to cover Adil’s which had fallen to place over Toby’s heart, the other coming up to cup Adil’s cheek. Adil closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, wondering how he could possibly explain the myriad of feelings that were flowing through him. He wished that he could have this forever. That he could be this version of himself forever. This version that smiled truly every day, that laughed more often that he cried, that lay in the arms of his lover more than he lay alone. Above all, he wished for a world where people would be free to love whomever they desired.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Adil replied softly, opening his eyes and staring into Toby’s which were a mixture of confusion and worry. “I just love this, I love you.”

Toby’s frown turned into a blinding smile at that and Adil pulled him in for a kiss. If Toby realised that he was using this as a distraction then he didn’t mind, because it wasn’t long before his hands had moved to clutch Adil’s hair.

Adil often thought about Toby’s hands. When their fingers would graze at the pass of a glass across the bar or Adil would watch Toby talking animatedly, waving them about. And he would imagine them undoing his bowtie, or the buttons on his shirts, or skirting across his collarbones and ribcage and thighs. And then he had to turn away, his cheeks flaming and scolding himself for thinking such things at work.

He felt like a giddy teenager with a crush. The feelings of lust and love insatiable, the want and the need to have Toby taking over every rational thought. He wondered if Toby’s mind was the storm of thoughts that his always was, if Toby dreamed and desired him just as much.

When they first started doing this Toby had been extremely cautious. Adil knew it must have been hard for him, after years of burying his thoughts, his feelings, his desires. He was shy, and didn’t like voicing his affections. Adil was patient and calm and taught Toby what he knew at the pace that Toby alone controlled. He relished in every gasp and moan and the first time Toby had cried out his name in ecstasy was burned into his memory. Bringing pleasure to Toby for the first time in his life, watching him become more and more comfortable with who he was and what he felt. If Adil ended up with nothing then at least he had that. The knowledge that Toby Hamilton was now living as himself, as much as one could in this world.

Adil was happier than he had ever been. When they were together Toby was like a completely different person. In the hotel room, in their small cocoon of safety, everything was perfect.

Which was, of course, when everything went wrong.

He should’ve been more careful, he knew he should have been. But he had gotten complacent at a time when complacency meant he could be killed. Being who he was had always brought risks, risks that he had been willing to take, eager even. But he had dragged Toby into this too. Toby who was so innocent in all of it. Toby who was pure and kind hearted and loving. He was born into privilege and had only indulged in his _activities_ with men, with Adil, in the comfort of his room. He didn’t know the risks, couldn’t have been able to grasp the true meaning of what was at stake, not in the way Adil had to every day when he was growing up. And Adil knew he should’ve tried to explain better what this could cost them, but he was greedy and selfish and didn’t want to lose Toby now that he knew what it was like to have him. But how could he have foreseen this?

Stealing from Toby was hard. It never became easier. Adil found himself orchestrating their meetings more and more, dread pooling in his stomach with every lie he told, every direction he gave so he could steal himself a moment alone with Toby’s briefcase. When they kissed he felt like a fraud. When Toby whispered words of love he felt like a traitor. The real smiles turned into fake ones and the racing of his heart from anticipation turned into the racing of his heart from fear. Love turned to dread. Adil turned from Toby’s lover to Toby’s enemy. In the blink of an eye the moments that would bring him joy brought him pain more terrible than he could imagine. And yet he continued.

The worse thing was that Adil had no idea what it was he was stealing. The pieces of paper with Toby’s scrawling handwriting and numbers upon numbers meant nothing to him. But they must have been something, because everytime he handed a new page over with shaking hands D’Abberville smirked and nodded appreciatively. Adil couldn’t explain why he did it. Why he kept doing it. All he could say was that the fear he felt every day since he had been caught was enough to cripple him.

The day that Toby had been taken away felt like the longest day of Adil’s life. He knew they would be interrogating him about leaking secrets, he knew that Toby would blatantly deny it, but he also knew that he would figure it out. Toby was too clever not to figure it out.

When Toby had asked him to deny it what was left of Adil’s heart shattered. Even after everything, Toby still had hope. He had the hope that Adil would tell him that of course he hadn’t done it, that he could never betray him like that. But Adil couldn’t. The heartbreak plastered over Toby’s face, the way his voice quivered, how even although they were only a few feet apart Adil could feel the distance between them like a raging, infinite ocean. And even although he had brought this all on himself, he felt a pain and loss that knocked the breath out of him.

It only took one second for trust to fall apart. What hurt the most was that Toby had trusted him explicitly from the start. For their relationship to be anything they had to trust each other with their most well-kept and dangerous secret. And along the way Adil knew that Toby had confided to him things that he had never dared to voice out loud before. Toby trusted him, and from that trust grew love. With that trust crumbled the love had no foundation.

Adil wanted the chance to explain, but what could he say? He could tell Toby that the only reason he did it was to keep them and his family safe. But that would be a lie. He did it for himself. Because he didn’t want to go to jail. He didn’t want to leave Toby or The Halcyon behind. He didn’t want to be the reason that his family were deported. He did it because he couldn’t live with that. But the fact was he couldn’t live with this either.

It was almost unbearable to walk around the hotel after that. Toby was avoiding him, that much was obvious, and expected. But it was such a dramatic change in such a short time that the corridors that used to feel like home felt alien to him. He wondered why Toby hadn’t told anyone, why he wasn’t being dragged away in handcuffs. With every new face or loud noise Adil held his breath, wondering if this time it was somebody come to take him away. He could only imagine what they would do to him in prison – a gay Nazi traitor. He wouldn’t survive a week.

 

 

When he took in that first gulp of air he almost choked on it. He didn’t understand why he was still alive. And then he saw Toby. His Toby. No, not his. Not anymore. He had lost the right to call Toby his as soon as he began to steal from him. Adil was a thief. He had stolen Toby’s time, stolen Toby’s happiness, stolen Toby’s love. But even after everything he had done Toby was here, saving him. Whispering and crying and pulling him into his arms. He was muttering the same words over and over.

I thought I’d lost you. I love you. I thought I’d lost you.

Adil didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to be embraced in Toby’s arms, breathing the same air as him, his heart still beating. He didn’t deserve his love.

But if Toby could still love him then maybe that meant that he could learn to love himself again too. Adil knew that for as long as his heart was beating it would beat for Toby.

He didn’t know what the future held. He didn’t know if Toby would ever forgive him, if they would ever move past what he had done. But for now he was being held tightly by the one man he had ever loved, and through the tears and sadness there was a glimmer of hope.

Adil buried his face into the crook of Toby’s neck as he choked on a sob. He was shaking. He was gasping. He was alive. Toby’s grip around him tightened and his hands started stroking his back. Toby was the only person who knew that calmed him down.

And they sat there. Adil pulling strength from Toby. The strength to live.

 

**Author's Note:**

> There's probably lots of mistakes in this, I'll try and re-read it later but for now please let me know if you spot any! 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


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